Psalm 40, as I would have written it.

Prologue...
     God, I don't get it.  Of all the people in the world, in this family, that you could have taken, why him?  Everyone he knew loved him, and he loved everyone.  He made everyones life better.  He pointed to you.  Surely the world was a better place with him in it.  Of course he went gracefully, he did everything gracefully, but he loved life and was good at living it.  Im sure you have a plan, but I cannot imagine why it includes taking my father, MY daddy.  I know that Im an adult, with a family of my own, but Im still a daddy's girl.  My sweet babies will never experience the greatest man I ever knew... and thats because of you.  To be honest God, Im more than heartbroken, Im angry.  Ive known you all my life, but Ive never known you to do something so hurtful.  People keep saying that you have a plan, that all things happen for a reason, that you work all things together for our good and your glory.  What do they know?  Right now, my mind and my heart are at war over whether or not I really care about your glory.  If Im going to be honest with you (no use in not being, you already know my thoughts), then I have to say, Im disappointed.  I feel like all I ever knew has been turned upside down.  I feel like I don't even know you at all.  And if I don't know you, then I don't know me. 
War is a terrible thing.


Psalm 40, as I would have written it.
   I waited patiently for the Lord.  Well, I waited anyhoo.  He knows Im not patient (one of my many flaws).  I've gotten myself into this mess, so I thought I would talk to God about it.  After all, He made me.  If he put me in this world, surely He can... well, lets see what He wants to do with me...
   "Lord, I've got a request.  See, I've fallen into a pit.  Ok, so I didn't fall in, I sorta dove in.  I mean, seriously, it had the word disaster written all over its forehead.  But thats besides the point.  Im in this pit, and I can't get myself out.  I thought maybe you could help me?  If you'll remember, I have proclaimed the good news of your righteousness before, even to a group of people (and thats a pretty big deal to someone who gets nervous about public speaking).  O Lord, you yourself know that I have not hidden your righteousness within my heart; I have declared your faithfulness and your salvation.  I haven't concealed your loving kindness and your truth from those I know.  So, I was hoping that you wouldn't hold your tender mercies from me O Lord.  Please let your lovingkindness and your truth continually preserve me, for innumerable evils have surrounded me; my iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not even able to look up.  They are more than the hairs on my head (and thats alot, my hair is pretty thick).  My heart is failing me.  Be pleased O Lord to deliver me: Seriously, ASAP.  I can't take it anymore."
   So the Lord inclined to me.  Like a patient father who leans down to listen to the cry of his child, He heard mine.  He reached down and pulled me out of my pit, horrible as it was.  He set my feet upon a rock and showed me the way to go.  Not only did He pull me out, but He gave me a new song to sing - Praise to our God.  Hopefully, many will look past my many flaws and errors and will see God, and will trust in the Lord.
Blessed is that man who makes the LORD his trust. 




Epilogue....
  I must agree with Paul in his letter to the Romans. After some time, mistakes, pain and forgiveness, I am on the road to peace.  "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.  For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law could no do - in that it was weak through the flesh - GOD did, by sending His own Son in the likeness of our sinful flesh, on the account of our sin:  He condemned sin in the flesh, that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.  For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.  Because the carnal mind is at war with God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor can it be.  But you are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit... And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.  For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out "Abba, Father."  The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and joint heirs of Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.  For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

Do I understand why he's gone?  No.  Do I have to?  No.  Im the child, HE is the father.  He loved me before my lungs ever took breath, and He gave His life for me.  That is enough, and thats what heaven is for. 

I cannot wait.

Its the most wonderful time of the year!

What makes it wonderful?

#1 Christ.  It is Christmas after all.  The image of a sweet, precious infant born in a cold, smelly barn, only to die in the prime of His life, every bit as innocent as the day He was born... makes my heart break and rejoice at the same time.

#2  Family time.  I love Christmas movies, our Christmas tree and the boat load of snacks that we've collected from all the parties.  We have made almost every night this month "family night".  Its been a blast.

#3  Quotes from "A Christmas Story".  "Never had the words poured from my petty pencil with such feverous fluidity." "What is it with this irrational prejudice against the Red Rider and his peace maker?"  "The old man stood, quivering, trying to come up with a real stinger.  All he could manage to get out was "NOT A FINGA."  "My old man worked in profanity like other artists might work in oils or clay.  It was his true medium.  A master."

#4  Music.  My life is a constant theme song.  Some days, the CD is on repeat and all I hear is "I think I can, I think I can."  But during the holidays, I am blessed to be bombarded by Christmas music everywhere I go.   The only negatives are sappy songs like the one about the Christmas shoes.  Seriously... I don't want to be reminded of tragedy during this most wonderful time of the year.  I've had enough of my own, and when I want to spiral down into a wormhole of misery, I can just ponder those fond memories.  This is a time of Hope.  Let's listen to happy things, Ok?

#5  Ridiculous holiday sweaters.  I don't know why, but people feel compelled to where them.  Still.  Cracks me up every time I see one.  God bless their sweet souls.  Festive to the end they are.  My kind of people, just different tastes in clothing.  :)

#6  Giving gifts.   Ok, so I like GETTING them too, I won't lie.  But I really do like giving them just as much, if not more.  I love picking out the perfect gift for someone.  And I love being able to give to those who have little or nothing.  If I had a magical sleigh and endless funds, I would take the santa job in a heart beat.  (BTW, I don't believe in santa.)  Bah humbug :)

So many things come to mind that I could be writing for days.  Lets just say that I really do think that this is the most wonderful time of the year.  Following old traditions and making a few new ones, I think this year will be one of the best yet.  I wish all of my dear family and sweet friends a very Merry Christmas and a happy new year!  Go watch a Christmas Story... I know I am.

My cup runneth over

How do you say thank you to a merciful God?  Words just don't cut it.  Not only has HE created the beautiful universe and this wonderful earth, but HE saw it fit to create us, in HIS image, simply to love us and have fellowship with us.  As if giving us life AND sustaining our lives aren't enough, He cares for us.  He cares for me.  He really does work all things together for our good AND for His glory.  Makes me grateful that someone with some competence is in charge!  I would totally botch the whole plan.  Scratch that, I wouldn't have a plan.  I'd still be flying by the seat of my pants with everyone else hanging on for dear life.  Nope, I'm glad to relinquish the controls to the only One capable of handling all things for my good.  He really is a great father. 

Steven passed his board exams.  Its official... he's a surgeon.  Thank you Lord for giving bountifully, disciplining graciously and forgiving mercifully.  We are beyond grateful for your love and care for us.

The big one...

Steven and I are here in Salt Lake City, Utah, waiting for tomorrow.  The big day... the big test... the biggest anxiety overload that he has ever had Im sure.  I get stressed just watching him study all of this material.  I know that he knows this stuff.  He knows that he knows it.  God knows that he knows it.   Now he just has to convince three rooms of three doctors that he knows it.  They won't get any idea of the kind of man he is, how he has the best work ethic of anyone I've ever met, how he is considerate enough for his patients feelings that he will speak with them in the middle of the night to calm their fears, or how he fully understands that the job he holds is not just a job, but that he is being permitted to work in the realm of the closest creation to our Lord Almighty.  No, they won't know any of those things.  They will only have thirty minutes to an hour of his time, in which they will give him scenarios and have him explain to them what he would do with each.  Then they send him on his way, and decide if, after 4 years of undergrad, 4 years of medical school and 5 years of residency, he is fit to be a surgeon.  hmm
I know that tests are necessary.   I know that we have to follow the rules.  I also know that we serve a sovereign God who has taken us this far, hopefully not to let us fail now.  Faith the size of a mustard seed, right?  :)
My prayer is that God will allow Steven to find favor in the sight of the test givers.  That He will give Steven peace, and clarity of mind.  Peace above all.  Please pray for him too? 

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."  Psalm 9:10

Exerpt from "Confessions of a Prayer Wimp" by Mary Pierce

   Clear some time in your schedule, some time to do nothing...to just think.  Life is simpler when you know our purpose.  Why are you here?  A friend says it doesn't matter why we are here or what we do, because a hundred years from now, nobody is going to know the difference. 
   Decades ago Robert Frost wrote his poem "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening."  Reading it today, I am moved by his words, by the picture of a man and his horse, stopping in dark, wintry stillness to "watch the woods fill up with snow."  He longs to stay there but remembers that he has "promises to keep and miles to go before he sleeps."  Just like me.  His decision to stop and watch the snow, and to write about it, matters to me today.  My pessimistic friend is wrong.  Almost a hundred years later, Frost makes a difference.
I want a simple life with uncluttered space to put the most important things first in my schedule.  I want to wake up thankful for life and breath and health.  I want less confusion and more calm, less stress and more sanity.  Each day is a gift, a fresh chance to love people.  I want the time, the space, and the energy to do that.

I want more time to watch the woods....

   In another moment, I know, I'll have to get back to those promises I have to keep and the miles I must cover before I sleep.  But for this moment, I close my eyes, feeling God's presence and peace, thinking about how a hundred years from now, what I do today might be making a difference in someone's life, somewhere out there in time.  But for now, I sit and smile.  This is my moment in the sun.

"Now this is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Give careful thought to your ways.'"  Haggai 1:5

40 Days for Life continues

This is an excerpt from a daily email we get about the 40 Days for Life Campaign.  It was too powerful not to share.

 

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DAY 17 INTENTION
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May all understand more deeply that the pro-life message is rooted in the two basic truths of life:

There is a God; He isn’t me

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SCRIPTURE
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And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.

– Genesis 2:7

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REFLECTION by Fr. Frank Pavone, Priests for Life
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From the beginning of the Bible until the end, the theme is echoed that God alone has dominion over human life. He made it; shared it; died to save it; will raise it up forever.

The act of creation described in Genesis 2:7, and earlier in Genesis 1:26-27, is a sovereign act. God did not have to do it, and would have been happy forever without us.

Yet without our asking for it or earning it, God brought us out of nothingness and into life, and sustains our existence at every moment. And He does so in Christ. “For by Him all things were created…in Him all things exist” (Colossians 1:16-17).

“You are not your own,” Paul declares in 1 Corinthians 6. God alone owns us. While He entrusts us to the care of one another, He does not allow any human being to own another.

A Southern California abortionist, James McMahon, once explained how he justified killing children after 20 weeks gestation by partial-birth abortion. He did not deny that this was a child, but rather asked, “Who owns the child? It’s got to be the mother.”

The struggle over abortion is really a struggle over the dominion of God. The Christian individual, and the Christian Church, cannot sit idly by when others declare that God is not God.

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PRAYER
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Lord, we are yours. Thank you for breathing into us the breath of life. Thank you for claiming us as your own. May our words and actions in defense of human life proclaim to all the world that you alone are Lord of life and death, Lord of our freedom and of our choices. We pray in Jesus’ Name. Amen.

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So ready for some heat relief!

Its almost here, I can feel it.  Fall.  Its just around the corner.  The temperature hasn't dropped yet, but Im praying it does...SOON.  We came home today and our apartment was 80 degrees.  AC on the spits, again.  Oh well, its fixed now and we'll be cool by the time the game comes on tonight - we hope.  I had high hopes of making hot wings here, but Im not about to start frying something now that its good and muggy inside.  The wings will have to wait for another day.  Take out tonight woohoo.  I do a little happy dance with the thought of not cooking in the heat. :)
Steven has taken the girls to Starbucks so that he can study. ?   rrrrrright.  He was hot and they have nice cool frapaccinos.  Im sure I spelled that wrong, but you know what I mean.  Meanwhile, I stayed here because my boy was fast asleep in his bed, sweating.  He doesn't care about the heat, as long as he gets juice and a movie.  I had a diet pepsi and two dove dark chocolates, so, at the moment at least, I don't care either. 
Hope everyone has a happy weekend.  I'll be praying for the cold.

Its the small things in life

The greatest thing just happened.  Well, two great things actually.  I just got John Abraham registered for pre-school (he's been on the waiting list).  He is so excited and frankly so am I.  On the way home I made a delightful and surprising discovery... a Mariachi station on the radio.  Im not sure why this excites me so, but the second I heard it I got happy.  Made me want chips and salsa.  So I've decided to learn spanish so that I can thouroughly enjoy the melodies of Mariachi (don't want to be singing along to the likes of la cucaracha... yuck).
Anyhoo, Im a happy girl today.  Three days a week for two hours a day I'll be a free woman, and I'll be listening to mariachi.  Bah da bah da da bah da da bah da.......

Tests and teeth

   So the biggest thing to happen to us lately... Steven passed the written portion of the board exam! Woohoo!!  Thank you Lord for getting us through that part.  Now he's got the oral boards in October, so its back to the books until thats over with.  Ug.
  Next thing would be Madelyn turning 5.  My sweet baby is five years old, in school, and she lost a tooth!  She just pulled it out during nap time yesterday.  How did I not know that she had a loose tooth?  What kind of mother am I?  Makes me feel rotten.  Not that I would have been any help with pulling teeth.  That sort of thing grosses me out beyond words.  Loose teeth and nail trimming I have to leave to the hubs.  Can't handle them.
   And here I am blogging while my ceiling fan sits still... NOT blowing.  Why?  Because one of Madelyns birthday balloons is wrapped around it.  Im too short to reach up there, even on a chair, so I'll just have to be hot.  Gotta love balloons.   Being hot makes me cranky, so Im gonna turn on the food network and think about tomorrow nights dinner plans, which will make me hungry, which will make me go to the kitchen for a Dove dark chocolate.  Again.
  Im sure that tonight I'll be dreaming about loose teeth and oral board exams.  Maybe a balloon or two.  Nice.
  

Madelyn's first day!!!

I don't know if I'm excited about this, or if I'm dreading it.  My sweet little girl, our "delicate flower" is going to school tomorrow.  Will she cry?  Will she be excited?  Do I want her to cling to my leg as if she can't live without me?  Or do I want her to wave me off as if she can't wait to be rid of me? 
I think the only thing worse than being sappy is the anticipation of being sappy.  I can feel it coming.  No matter how great her first day goes, eventually the tears will fall and I will ball my eyes out.  Not today, probably not tomorrow, but its coming.  Somewhere under the surface, its waiting to make a fool of me the way my tears always seem to do.  I want to cry just thinking about it.
Oh for pete's sake, Im going to get a tissue and get it out of my system tonight.

Back to school...?

So I decided in lieu of a trip to the health department I would make well check up visits for the kiddos (since we missed the last ones) and have the pediatricians office transfer the immunization records.  I had sworn NEVER to take all three of my kids at the same time for appointments again, but, you do what you gotta do.  The kids were relatively well behaved and we didn't wait nearly as long as we would have at our previous pediatricians office, but nevertheless, I was pooped by the time it was all over.  Then I had to go to walmart. 

Ug.

Im not going to make any rude walmart comments.  I need that God forsaken store just as much as the next person.  Lets just say that it made for an exhausting day.  Although I felt like it was all unnecessary in the first place, I did feel a sense of accomplishment and took all of the paperwork back to the school yesterday.  The lady kindly made copies of all of it and handed it back to me and in the most leisurely fashion said, "oh yes, and we'll also need her report card from last year.  We'll need it before school starts." 

what?

Oh yes, here it is, right along with her thumb print, a strand of her hair and a blood sample.  Come on, its not like this is an elite prep school we're trying to buy our way into.  We're talking about a public school.  A public elementary school that, by the way, has a lovely sign posted on the wall by the office that says NO GUNS ALLOWED (second graders need to be reminded to leave those sort of things at home). 

So I'll be going through boxes again tonight, searching for a report card.  Wish me luck!

40 Days for Life

40 Days for Life is a prayer mobilization effort designed to unite the body of Christ in passionate prayer to end abortion in our city and nation.  It will begin here in Shreveport on September 22 and end on October 31st.  I'm not sure if this is a nation wide campaign, or if the dates will be the same in every city, but I urge you to participate in prayer along with us regardless.

http://vimeo.com/10943146

School registration

Yesterday, I got the kids all ready and excited and we headed to the girls school to get them registered.  I had the paperwork all filled out, their immunization records, proof of residence, social security cards and birth certificates.  We head into the library and see a smiling face who is willing to assist us.  She looked at our stack of paperwork and said, "you don't have a Louisiana health card?"  "No maam, we just moved here from Alabama, but I've got their immunization card right here."  "Well, you have to have a Louisiana health card to register them for school.  I can give you directions to the health department if you like."

Seriously?

We aren't talking about Haiti here, we're talking about Alabama...you know, two states over.  You can drive there in a few hours.  I looked at her and asked in a joking manner, "can I just pretend like we are from Mexico and go ahead and get registered today so I can save myself a trip?"  She didn't think it was funny.

Soooo, I get to pack up my three kids today and take a lovely trip to the health department, just so they can copy all of the information on the cards I already have onto a card that says Louisiana on it.  Uhhhhh

yummy soup

I love this potato soup recipe so much that I had to share it.  It is so easy and sooooo yummy.  It would have been even better if it was winter and we needed the warmth, but we survived and still loved it despite the 80 degree temp INSIDE our apartment.  Enjoy!

(group 1)
4 cups cubed, peeled potatoes
1 1/4 cup water
1 cup chopped celery
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/2 cup chopped carrot
2 tbs snipped parsley
2 tbs butter
2 tsp chicken bouillon
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1 tsp dill

4 cups milk
3 tbs flour
bacon pieces
cheddar cheese

Combine all of group one in pot and simmer for 15-20 minutes, or until veggies are tender.  Add 3 1/2 cups milk to pot and stir until warmed through.  In separate bowl, mix 1/2 cup milk with flour.  Stir into soup.  Cook, stirring frequently until smooth and bubbly.  Top with bacon and cheese.  yyyyyyyyum.

How we are, what we're doing, etc etc

Im sitting here in the quiet of our living room thinking of the silliest phrase... "wherever you go, there you are".  I don't know if that one is common knowledge, or if it's native to my family.  You see, before I got married, at one of my showers, my mom and aunts all wrote words of wisdom down for me on a large poster board.  There were some real gems on there like, "never vaccum naked", and "don't go to bed angry", but the one I have laughed at the most was "wherever you go, there you are".  You would have to know my family to understand any of them, and certainly understand that the majority of them were jokes.  Laughter is the best medicine after all, and my family has survived many a tragedy under the prescription of laughter, and by the grace of God.  But when I think of that particular quote, I can't help but think that I haven't actually been living with that mindset.  For the longest time, I've been waiting for something else.  I haven't been living in the present.  So in reality, even though Im HERE, Im not here.  I never would have thought that almost eleven years ago, when Steven and I got married, I would get stuck living in the future.  Some people live in the past, but I've been thinking about how things will be for so long that I haven't been giving enough attention to the way things actually are.  Comic relief turned life lesson. 
So we're here, in Shreveport Louisiana, and I've decided to be here.  Really here.  I'll be living in the now, from now on.  No more thinking is residency ever going to end?  No more wondering if we are ever going to stop living paycheck to paycheck.  No more wishing that John Abraham was already out of diapers so that I won't have to get on the floor a hundred times a day to change him.  Ok, that last one was a fib.  I am SO ready for him to be out of diapers.  Seriously, its time.  From now on, with some serious prayer and knowledge gained from life experiences, Im going to attempt to be here, to be me, and to be ok with all of it.

By the way, I don't vaccum naked.

Enough about me.  This is supposed to be about how we are doing.  Steven has adjusted to life as a fellow rather well.  Of course he has, he loves surgery and he's great at it.  Besides the fact that he is an awesome employee and has the best work ethic known to mankind, he is a gifted surgeon and is making this his ministry, not just his career.  I too have adjusted well to our fellowship year.  I think Shreveport has alot to do with that.  You can truly get anywhere in this city in 15 minutes or less, which is a huge change from Birmingham, where you can't get anywhere in under 30.  So now, when Steven gets off work at 5:00, he's home at 5:10 instead of 6:30.  I've spent more time with him in these past two months than an entire year of residency.  Thank you God for sending us to Shreveport.  It is exactly what we needed.  Isn't God good that way?
The kids are loving it here.  Our apartment complex has a pool, so Ive got water babies.  And our first month here was sort of like being on vacation, so they have associated Shreveport with eating out, which of course they love.  Every day Sarah asks what movie we are going to watch and where are we going to eat.  We've created monsters. 
I've been trying to prepare Madelyn for school.  She and Sarah both start on August 18th, and I cannot believe that my sweet little Maddy will be in school.   I try not to get bitter at residency for stealing the joy of my middle childs entire first five years of life from my memory.  Oh Lord let me cherish every second of the remaining.
John Abraham has regressed a bit.  He was completely potty trained before the move, now... not so much.  He just better be glad that I think he's so cute, and that I'm completely wrapped around his stubby little finger. 

Our life and times in Shreveport, may they be full of joy, and void of diapers.

Debut blog

For those who know me, I like to talk... alot.  I spend the majority of my days (all of my days actually) with my three children, so by the time my sweet husband comes home, Im desperate for adult conversation.  Being that he is in his last year of training for surgery, when he gets home, through the khaos of kids and dinner, talking sometimes has to wait.  I've been told that journaling helps.  I tried it.  Having recently gone through somewhat of a traumatic season, I do agree that it is a useful tool for developing thoughts and releasing emotions that cannot otherwise be spoken.  However, on a day to day basis, when I don't necessarily have an epic monologue to spew, journaling sort of makes me feel... like a dweeb.  So, in light of our recent move, my recent departure from the wonderful world of facebook, and my neglect and despise of actually talking on the phone, Ive decided to blog.  Dont expect too much from this, those who actually take time out of their day to read. Im not a "writer".  I just thought this would be a good way for me to share some of our lives with those we love and are far away from. 
Hopefully this won't make me feel like too much of a dweeb. 
Sigh.